I think we all have a fairly good idea how fidelity is all about, but there was one concept that really peaked my interest. In a couple of talks it was referred to as "spiritual fidelity," but I the title of "emotional fidelity" seemed to fit better for me.
We've all heard the scripture verse in Matthew Chapter 5, verse 28:
"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
Being emotionally faithful to our spouses is just as important as being physically faithful. Unfortunately, emotional infidelity can start out with something innocent and seemingly harmful--helping befriend someone, helping in missionary work, working together on a project, etc. All of these things are wonderful and Christlike, but if done alone with someone of the opposite sex could lead to other little things that turn into big things. The infidelity slowly continues to going out to lunch with that person, continual conversations, inside jokes. And then you slowly start noticing how "this guy is just so great with kids; I wish my husband were more like that..."
Worrying about those little things truly stress me out, but it is important to know them so that you can recognize the signs in yourself if it ever happens. Just be careful and follow the Spirit, is all.
The other talk that I absolutely loved just made me want to do a fist pump in the air and shout for joy. It was called "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" by Brother Sean E. Brotherson. He shared his story about getting ready for marriage and all of his questions he had about his first honeymoon night! He had lots of questions and was unsure of how to find the answers! He said:
"Yet I did know that there were answers available, and so I began a rather intensive and self-administered educational seminar in understanding sexual intimacy in marriage. Luckily, I accepted as true the scriptural admonition that we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Even about sexual intimacy? Let me answer that question affirmatively. Of course. God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life. So, I started reading books and asking questions.
Can I just quickly go on a tangent and say two things? Since we're just finishing up Thanksgiving weekend, here are two things I'm grateful for: My marriage classes, which have forced me to dive in deep about subjects such as sexual intimacy that I never would have studied before. AND my siblings and family and all they've taught me! Hahaha. I must admit that even though most sex conversations in our family are typically humorous ones, you all have still been extremely open haha. Which, yes, I am actually grateful, because I feel far more prepared for all of the sudden changes that come with saying "I do."
ANYWAY! Brotherson talked about four different pitfalls of sexual fulfillment in marriage.
Ignorance
Inhibition
Ill Will
Infidelity
I think we all pretty well know what infidelity is about. Obviously infidelity is going to bring about a lack of sexual (and emotional, spiritual, etc.) fulfillment in marriage!
IGNORANCE: Simply put, we have permission to seek out answers about sexual fulfillment in marriage. It seems like the only knowledge we are given before marriage is what we are taught from the world and our peers, OR the powerful warnings of the prophets about not having sex until marriage. So what do we naturally think when we're walking down the isle? "...Well...Now what?!" We shouldn't be ignorant. We need to recognize and help our children recognize that it is okay to talk about sex in a respectful manner, and we should understand the gift and blessing it is to us from our Heavenly Father. I feel like having the extra knowledge would make that first honeymoon night a bit less frightening and confusing...(But, I mean, what do I know? I'm still not married yet haha.)
Ignorance also means not being ignorant about sexual intimacy in marriage, as well. We need to communicate honestly, directly, and openly to understand each other and figure out how to fulfill each other's needs.
INHIBITION: Let me just define inhibition real quick, because I thought I knew what it meant...Until I had to relate it to sexual intimacy haha. "A feeling that makes one self-conscious and unable to act in a relaxed and natural way." Once I read that, it made a lot more sense. Some people struggle with feeling either inadequate or unwholesome, especially on that first honeymoon night. I often think that the Law of Chastity is taught in a context far too negative. I feel like many focus on the strictness about NOT having sex before marriage, so it scares people and makes them think that sex is a bad thing. We should be teaching the youth that we SHOULD have sex--but not until after marriage. I love how President Harold B. Lee explains the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage: It is a "holy impulse for a holy purpose." It not only creates a family, but it brings spouses together as "one flesh." It needs to be viewed as a special gift, so special that you should only want to share it with one person, under the right circumstance, and at the right time.
Inhibition also kind of goes back to ignorance and learning to communicate "in a relaxed and natural way" (honestly, directly, and openly) to be able to understand each other. Communication is vital, especially if one or the other feels inadequate, uncomfortable, or unwholesome. There's no way that singing on stage in front of lots of people is fun or fulfilling if you're feeling inadequate or uncomfortable; same goes for in the bedroom, my friends.
ILL WILL: "'Ill will' is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship. An angry word will pour cold water on a spouse's romantic 'on' switch more quickly than you can imagine, while a meaningful apology can pave the way to a gentle invitation toward intimacy."
I couldn't have put it any better. If you're unhappy in everyday life with your spouse, you're probably unhappy in your sex life, as well. If your spouse is nasty and mean that day, you probably aren't feeling very "turned on" right? And vice versa! Challenges in fulfilling needs in sexual intimacy can cause unhappiness in everyday life, too. This is where charity comes in again. The purpose of sex is not to fulfill our own sexual needs; it is to show our spouses true love, serve them, and fulfill their needs. In turn, they will be grateful and want to serve you in the same way. It requires us to put someone else completely before our own selves to better our relationship.
ALRIGHTY, EVERYONE! That's it for this week. I know, you're probably all gawking with your mouths hanging open or your eyebrows up high in surprise about the fact that the baby of the family just went on this huge rant about sex. BUT, whatever, it is what it is; I learned a ton and actually enjoyed learning about it haha. Super interesting! And very helpful for many years to come, I'm sure. ;)
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