Since I didn't get a chance to write about Gottman last week and his seven principles to make marriage work, let me go over them!
Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away
Have you ever looked back on a conversation with your spouse about yard plans, issues with a vehicle, or maybe just a scuff on a wall in the house? And after thinking about this conversation, have you ever thought to yourself, "WOW...My marriage must look really boring for an outsider..." Sometimes I think back on a conversation and wonder how on earth we started the conversation about wedding colors and ended up on needing a new pair of boots. If you find yourself turning toward each other in these seemingly meaningless moments, there's a good chance your marriage is thriving.
You see, these times of "useless chit-chat" is kind of the glue that holds a marriage together. If we can't turn toward our spouse and respond to the little daily things such as "Johnny puked twice today" or "I had a terrible dream last night," how can we ever expect to be able to know how to respond to the big important things like, "Honey, I was let go at work today"?
So, my invitation is to take interest in the little things! For example: Folding laundry together, grocery shopping together, running errands together, talking/reading a book together, playing games together, driving to work together, paying bills together, etc. etc. etc.!! Enjoy the little moments :)
But you want to know what the most important thing is??
"How was your day??"
Yes. A question as simple as that can do wonders. It helps everyone be able to talk about their day and manage any stress outside of the marriage. Utilizing this simple, everyday question allows us to shed some of that stress and not let it "spill over" in our relationships or marriages. HOWEVER, there are a few key points that can help in this conversation. There are eight points that Gottman mentions to help us:
1. Take turns. Each person gets the chance to be "the complainer," while the other listens.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. We ALL know how annoying it is when we're venting about a frustrating situation, and the other person tries to "fix it" for you by offering advice, when all you really wanted was a listening ear.
3. Show genuine interest. Acknowledge that you're listening and show interest by nodding your head, keep eye contact, ask questions...All that good stuff. :)
4. Communicate your understanding. Validate what they said and let them know you understand. Empathize!
5. Take your spouse's side. Always. Be supportive, even if it may seem unreasonable at the time. "Don't side with the opposition--this will make you spouse resentful or dejected....The point isn't to be dishonest. It's just that timing is everything." At this time, your job is to empathize.
6. Express a "we against others" attitude. This kind of goes along with number 5. Be a team, and let your spouse know that you are in this together.
7. Express affection. This one is easy. Just do it, everyone likes a huge and kiss or two.
8. Validate emotions. This also kind of goes back to number 4; let your spouse know that what they are saying makes sense to you, and that you understand.
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
This one doesn't require anything too difficult...Sort of. ;) It is far easier said than done. This basically comes down to: BE WILLING TO NEGOTIATE. Women tend to do better at this, but that's not always true. This does not mean that we have to be "whipped," rather we just need to be willing to "give and take." To sum this up, let me share a short story:
"Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil's company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car's handling and power, not to mention the state-of-the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted a mechanic to check the car. 'Why?' said Phil. 'It's really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer's warranty.'
'True,' said Jack, 'but I promised my wife I wouldn't buy a car without having it inspected first.'
Phil gave Jack a withering look. 'You let your wife tell you what to do about care?' he asked.
'Sure,' said Jack. 'Don't you?'
'Well, no. I don't--didn't. I'm divorced,' said Phil.
'Well,' Jack chuckled. 'Maybe that's why.'
Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil's car. But more importantly, he never bought Phil's attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feeling. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver's seat."
*Let me just make a note that this goes for both husband AND wife! Perhaps women tend to do better at this, but we always have to be careful and make sure we are letting our spouses influence us, too.*
1. Take turns. Each person gets the chance to be "the complainer," while the other listens.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. We ALL know how annoying it is when we're venting about a frustrating situation, and the other person tries to "fix it" for you by offering advice, when all you really wanted was a listening ear.
3. Show genuine interest. Acknowledge that you're listening and show interest by nodding your head, keep eye contact, ask questions...All that good stuff. :)
4. Communicate your understanding. Validate what they said and let them know you understand. Empathize!
5. Take your spouse's side. Always. Be supportive, even if it may seem unreasonable at the time. "Don't side with the opposition--this will make you spouse resentful or dejected....The point isn't to be dishonest. It's just that timing is everything." At this time, your job is to empathize.
6. Express a "we against others" attitude. This kind of goes along with number 5. Be a team, and let your spouse know that you are in this together.
7. Express affection. This one is easy. Just do it, everyone likes a huge and kiss or two.
8. Validate emotions. This also kind of goes back to number 4; let your spouse know that what they are saying makes sense to you, and that you understand.
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
This one doesn't require anything too difficult...Sort of. ;) It is far easier said than done. This basically comes down to: BE WILLING TO NEGOTIATE. Women tend to do better at this, but that's not always true. This does not mean that we have to be "whipped," rather we just need to be willing to "give and take." To sum this up, let me share a short story:
"Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil's company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car's handling and power, not to mention the state-of-the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted a mechanic to check the car. 'Why?' said Phil. 'It's really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer's warranty.'
'True,' said Jack, 'but I promised my wife I wouldn't buy a car without having it inspected first.'
Phil gave Jack a withering look. 'You let your wife tell you what to do about care?' he asked.
'Sure,' said Jack. 'Don't you?'
'Well, no. I don't--didn't. I'm divorced,' said Phil.
'Well,' Jack chuckled. 'Maybe that's why.'
Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil's car. But more importantly, he never bought Phil's attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feeling. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver's seat."
*Let me just make a note that this goes for both husband AND wife! Perhaps women tend to do better at this, but we always have to be careful and make sure we are letting our spouses influence us, too.*
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