300: This Topic is Almost Awkwardly Perfect...

Awkwardly perfect. Why, you might ask? Because this week in my Marriage 300 class, we focused primarily on fidelity and physical intimacy. Kind of oddly perfect, considering the fact that I have T-minus 40ish days before I say two very important words: I DO. (January 9th, everyone. Be there or be square, just saying haha). Not only did I learn mounds of interesting concepts and information, but my eyes were opened a little more about both of these topics.

I think we all have a fairly good idea how fidelity is all about, but there was one concept that really peaked my interest. In a couple of talks it was referred to as "spiritual fidelity," but I the title of "emotional fidelity" seemed to fit better for me.

We've all heard the scripture verse in Matthew Chapter 5, verse 28:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Being emotionally faithful to our spouses is just as important as being physically faithful. Unfortunately, emotional infidelity can start out with something innocent and seemingly harmful--helping befriend someone, helping in missionary work, working together on a project, etc. All of these things are wonderful and Christlike, but if done alone with someone of the opposite sex could lead to other little things that turn into big things. The infidelity slowly continues to going out to lunch with that person, continual conversations, inside jokes. And then you slowly start noticing how "this guy is just so great with kids; I wish my husband were more like that..."

Worrying about those little things truly stress me out, but it is important to know them so that you can recognize the signs in yourself if it ever happens. Just be careful and follow the Spirit, is all.

The other talk that I absolutely loved just made me want to do a fist pump in the air and shout for joy. It was called "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" by Brother Sean E. Brotherson. He shared his story about getting ready for marriage and all of his questions he had about his first honeymoon night! He had lots of questions and was unsure of how to find the answers! He said: 

"Yet I did know that there were answers available, and so I began a rather intensive and self-administered educational seminar in understanding sexual intimacy in marriage. Luckily, I accepted as true the scriptural admonition that we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Even about sexual intimacy? Let me answer that question affirmatively. Of course. God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life. So, I started reading books and asking questions.

Can I just quickly go on a tangent and say two things? Since we're just finishing up Thanksgiving weekend, here are two things I'm grateful for: My marriage classes, which have forced me to dive in deep about subjects such as sexual intimacy that I never would have studied before. AND my siblings and family and all they've taught me! Hahaha. I must admit that even though most sex conversations in our family are typically humorous ones, you all have still been extremely open haha. Which, yes, I am actually grateful, because I feel far more prepared for all of the sudden changes that come with saying "I do."

ANYWAY! Brotherson talked about four different pitfalls of sexual fulfillment in marriage.

Ignorance
Inhibition
Ill Will
Infidelity

I think we all pretty well know what infidelity is about. Obviously infidelity is going to bring about a lack of sexual (and emotional, spiritual, etc.) fulfillment in marriage!

IGNORANCE: Simply put, we have permission to seek out answers about sexual fulfillment in marriage. It seems like the only knowledge we are given before marriage is what we are taught from the world and our peers, OR the powerful warnings of the prophets about not having sex until marriage. So what do we naturally think when we're walking down the isle? "...Well...Now what?!" We shouldn't be ignorant. We need to recognize and help our children recognize that it is okay to talk about sex in a respectful manner, and we should understand the gift and blessing it is to us from our Heavenly Father. I feel like having the extra knowledge would make that first honeymoon night a bit less frightening and confusing...(But, I mean, what do I know? I'm still not married yet haha.)

Ignorance also means not being ignorant about sexual intimacy in marriage, as well. We need to communicate honestly, directly, and openly to understand each other and figure out how to fulfill each other's needs.

INHIBITION: Let me just define inhibition real quick, because I thought I knew what it meant...Until I had to relate it to sexual intimacy haha. "A feeling that makes one self-conscious and unable to act in a relaxed and natural way." Once I read that, it made a lot more sense. Some people struggle with feeling either inadequate or unwholesome, especially on that first honeymoon night. I often think that the Law of Chastity is taught in a context far too negative. I feel like many focus on the strictness about NOT having sex before marriage, so it scares people and makes them think that sex is a bad thing. We should be teaching the youth that we SHOULD have sex--but not until after marriage. I love how President Harold B. Lee explains the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage: It is a "holy impulse for a holy purpose." It not only creates a family, but it brings spouses together as "one flesh." It needs to be viewed as a special gift, so special that you should only want to share it with one person, under the right circumstance, and at the right time.

Inhibition also kind of goes back to ignorance and learning to communicate "in a relaxed and natural way" (honestly, directly, and openly) to be able to understand each other. Communication is vital, especially if one or the other feels inadequate, uncomfortable, or unwholesome. There's no way that singing on stage in front of lots of people is fun or fulfilling if you're feeling inadequate or uncomfortable; same goes for in the bedroom, my friends.

ILL WILL: "'Ill will' is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship. An angry word will pour cold water on a spouse's romantic 'on' switch more quickly than you can imagine, while a meaningful apology can pave the way to a gentle invitation toward intimacy."

I couldn't have put it any better. If you're unhappy in everyday life with your spouse, you're probably unhappy in your sex life, as well. If your spouse is nasty and mean that day, you probably aren't feeling very "turned on" right? And vice versa! Challenges in fulfilling needs in sexual intimacy can cause unhappiness in everyday life, too. This is where charity comes in again. The purpose of sex is not to fulfill our own sexual needs; it is to show our spouses true love, serve them, and fulfill their needs. In turn, they will be grateful and want to serve you in the same way. It requires us to put someone else completely before our own selves to better our relationship.

ALRIGHTY, EVERYONE! That's it for this week. I know, you're probably all gawking with your mouths hanging open or your eyebrows up high in surprise about the fact that the baby of the family just went on this huge rant about sex. BUT, whatever, it is what it is; I learned a ton and actually enjoyed learning about it haha. Super interesting! And very helpful for many years to come, I'm sure. ;)

300: "Love is not a happy accident; it is a choice."

I can't count how many times I have said to someone, with complete assurance that it is 100% true, that happiness is a choice. Happiness is my choice; it is my passion. I love being happy, even though I sometimes struggle with unhappiness. I'm not perfect--especially when I'm stressed out, working full-time, studying full-time, trying to get visa paperwork done, and attempting to plan a decent wedding. Let's just say that sometimes stress overtakes the blissful happiness. BUT...That "blissfulness" will alllll return after January 9th, right?!

Right!...For a while haha. Obviously I'm not married (yet), so I don't fully understand that whole newly-wed bliss concept and how it slowly (or quickly?) dims. However, yes, I have heard of it, and it does make sense. Now this is where one of my favorite overly-discussed church topics comes in...

Charity

Yup. That's right. Christlike love. I truly think I love this topic so much because charity and many hours I spent on my knees on cold, cement floors literally saved my sanity and life. This is why I have such an appreciation for prayer and charity...Missions. Dang. They are hard. Amazing and full of the best miracles and moments of my life, but they push you to your limits. If you are willing to submit yourself humbly to the will of the Lord and CHANGE for the better, you will come home a different person. You will learn amazing blessings, and charity (and striving to have charity) was one of the best-learned lessons on my mission.

There is always "that companion" who was given to you to teach you patience and love. I had almost no problems with the majority of my companions, but I cannot express to you the mental and emotional and physical pain I went through trying to understand this companion of mine and learn to love her. I cannot count how many hours I spent on those cement floors, in tears, begging to know what to do, how to love her, and how to not hurt. I spent 5.5 out of those 6 weeks suffering and feeling mentally uneasy. It would be useless to try and tell you how many hours I spent begging for charity to truly love her, learn from her, and be able to end that transfer on a positive note...

I love that companion; I can honestly and truthfully say that I love her, and I will give her the biggest hug the day I get to see her again. I may not agree with her on some things, but I learned so much from her, and the greatest thing she ever taught me was charity. I learned from her that I can learn to love anyone. Everyone. It may not be easy, but I know I can.

So how on earth does this relate to marriage?

Again, I am still unmarried, but I know that every single couple will come to a point and ask themselves, "Did I really make the right choice? Was I supposed to marry him/her?" And in some unfortunate circumstance, maybe things just were not supposed to work out. But I know that as long as both spouses try to see the big picture and strive to have charity, even the long-lost love can be found. Even those feelings which have been buried and hidden under so much garbage, anger, fights, and frustrations--even those can be restored. It may require some time to just sit quietly and silently beg for help to love your spouse, but it will come. It might be 5.5 weeks later than you would have liked it to be, but it will come.

"Love is not a happy accident; it is a choice."

-H. Wallace Goddard

300: "Putteth off the natural man"

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19

So this week, we studied one of my least favorite attributes a person can have. Yet, amazingly, this is an attribute that we ALL have. There is a talk titled "Agency and Anger" by Elder Lynn G. Robbins, and although anger is the attribute that I don't handle well in other people, this talk gave me a lot to think about. It not only made me think of how anger from someone else affects us, but more so it helped me realize that anger is linked perfectly with agency. Anger is a choice. For some, it is far more difficult to NOT choose anger, whereas other people find it easier to not get riled up and hot-headed.

I chose the verse in Mosiah, because anger is part of the "natural man" deep inside us. We are carnal creatures, but as we progress and yield to enticings of the Spirit, we are able to put the carnal, sensual, imperfect traits of ours behind us. Sure, they can come creeping up on us pretty quick, but in the end, we always have a choice. And sometimes, the choice may simply be a matter of respect. Why might I say that? Let me give an example...

Your boss at work does something to you that absolutely drives you nuts and frustrates you. Regardless, you probably aren't going to go storm into his office, toss around a few accusations and mean words. Now if you were at home and your husband/wife did the exact same thing as your boss had done to you, you would be more likely to let those angry colors show in one way or another. In either situation, though, there is always a higher road. You shouldn't just ignore it, nor should you go on a rant rage. We should respond with grace by discussing the problem calmly with both your boss and your spouse.

Now when it came to textbook readings, this week we focused mainly on problems/issues within a marriage. Every marriage is different, and each person is an individual who brings to the table funny quirks or strange habits. Sometimes this can cause friction between the couple! What we need to realize is that there are two types of problems: resolvable and perpetual. Problems that can be solved require GOOD communication. Using soft start-ups, repair attempts, compromise, and tolerance of another's imperfections.

The second type of problem is a little more complicated, but at the same time, it really isn't. It simply requires patience. These are problems that simply can't be solved. At times is can be difficult to tell the difference, but to make it somewhat simple without ranting on and on forever, solvable problems are often situational. It occurs only at specific times, such as one spouse speeding, and the other not liking it. Supposedly the spouse has to speed, because the other one takes so long getting ready in the morning. Yet the other one takes so long getting ready in the morning, because the spouse doesn't put their dishes away after breakfast...Yada yada yada. So this may require time for GOOD communication, tolerance, and COMPROMISE.

Perpetual problems are usually ones that are just part of who we are. This may refer to those quirks and strange habits each person has. With perpetual problems, it will always help to see these quirks in lighter sense with some humor. Don't let it become a cause of friction if it doesn't have to be. Sometimes you're just going to have to live with the fact that your spouse is one who needs that closeness and physical affection, whereas you are one who is not that way. Be patient. Make compromises. Love them despite the little, annoying things. Find humor and love in the quirk. :)

300: "How was your day, Honey?"

Oh my heavens, there was so much that I loved this week from my marriage class! And I still can't seem to be able to sum it all up as well as I hope to. Nevertheless, I will try!

Since I didn't get a chance to write about Gottman last week and his seven principles to make marriage work, let me go over them!

Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away

Have you ever looked back on a conversation with your spouse about yard plans, issues with a vehicle, or maybe just a scuff on a wall in the house? And after thinking about this conversation, have you ever thought to yourself, "WOW...My marriage must look really boring for an outsider..." Sometimes I think back on a conversation and wonder how on earth we started the conversation about wedding colors and ended up on needing a new pair of boots. If you find yourself turning toward each other in these seemingly meaningless moments, there's a good chance your marriage is thriving.

You see, these times of "useless chit-chat" is kind of the glue that holds a marriage together. If we can't turn toward our spouse and respond to the little daily things such as "Johnny puked twice today" or "I had a terrible dream last night," how can we ever expect to be able to know how to respond to the big important things like, "Honey, I was let go at work today"?

So, my invitation is to take interest in the little things! For example: Folding laundry together, grocery shopping together, running errands together, talking/reading a book together, playing games together, driving to work together, paying bills together, etc. etc. etc.!! Enjoy the little moments :)

But you want to know what the most important thing is??

"How was your day??"

Yes. A question as simple as that can do wonders. It helps everyone be able to talk about their day and manage any stress outside of the marriage. Utilizing this simple, everyday question allows us to shed some of that stress and not let it "spill over" in our relationships or marriages. HOWEVER, there are a few key points that can help in this conversation. There are eight points that Gottman mentions to help us:

1. Take turns. Each person gets the chance to be "the complainer," while the other listens.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. We ALL know how annoying it is when we're venting about a frustrating situation, and the other person tries to "fix it" for you by offering advice, when all you really wanted was a listening ear.
3. Show genuine interest. Acknowledge that you're listening and show interest by nodding your head, keep eye contact, ask questions...All that good stuff. :)
4. Communicate your understanding. Validate what they said and let them know you understand. Empathize!
5. Take your spouse's side. Always. Be supportive, even if it may seem unreasonable at the time. "Don't side with the opposition--this will make you spouse resentful or dejected....The point isn't to be dishonest. It's just that timing is everything." At this time, your job is to empathize.
6. Express a "we against others" attitude. This kind of goes along with number 5. Be a team, and let your spouse know that you are in this together.
7. Express affection. This one is easy. Just do it, everyone likes a huge and kiss or two.
8. Validate emotions. This also kind of goes back to number 4; let your spouse know that what they are saying makes sense to you, and that you understand.

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

This one doesn't require anything too difficult...Sort of. ;) It is far easier said than done. This basically comes down to: BE WILLING TO NEGOTIATE. Women tend to do better at this, but that's not always true. This does not mean that we have to be "whipped," rather we just need to be willing to "give and take." To sum this up, let me share a short story:

"Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil's company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car's handling and power, not to mention the state-of-the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted  a mechanic to check the car. 'Why?' said Phil. 'It's really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer's warranty.'

'True,' said Jack, 'but I promised my wife I wouldn't buy a car without having it inspected first.'

Phil gave Jack a withering look. 'You let your wife tell you what to do about care?' he asked.

'Sure,' said Jack. 'Don't you?'

'Well, no. I don't--didn't. I'm divorced,' said Phil.

'Well,' Jack chuckled. 'Maybe that's why.'

Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil's car. But more importantly, he never bought Phil's attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feeling. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver's seat."

*Let me just make a note that this goes for both husband AND wife! Perhaps women tend to do better at this, but we always have to be careful and make sure we are letting our spouses influence us, too.*