So this week in my Marriage class, I swear my vocabulary doubled. Our "textbook" for the class is a book by John M. Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It has been so been eye-opening and helpful for me, especially considering the fact that the reality of marriage is getting closer and closer. :D (NOT complaining! Only patiently waiting!)
So this John Gottman guy is pretty intelligent I would say. Not to mention the fact that he has studied marriage and divorce patterns for well over 15 years. Once upon a time, he was one of those marriage counselors that helps people try and resolve their marriages. Also once upon a time, he used to suggest that good communication can save any marriage. He taught people about beginning their sentences with "I" instead of "you," so that you don't sound as though you are accusing your spouse of something (which I never fully could get a hang of, because I still knew deep down that I WAS accusing them or complaining about them; I just managed to flip the sentence around is all.) Gottman also used to teach couples "active listening" and "validating your partner" by truly listening and then rephrasing what they said to make sure you've understood. He used to teach ALL of that...And then he decided to go back and do his own research on marriages. Why? Because even then, maybe half of his clients were ever able to resolve their conflicts and save their marriages. Almost 50% wasn't considered good success by him.
Now, after many years of studying couples close up in "love labs" (a lab set up like a home with the ability to record and study couples in this lab) and studying their conflict-resolution patterns and physiological responses and interviewing them...I think he has found some pretty good hypotheses and helpful answers. This week we read the first couple of chapters, but we haven't quite gotten into the seven specific principles for making marriage work. Instead, I've read about some factors that can help determine divorce. We need to know these, so that we can detect them in ourselves and learn to overcome them or change them! And just as a precursor: I'm no professional or anything, I'm simply doing my best to sum up a few points that I loved and know will help me. I 100% suggest that you buy the book and read it; it is surprisingly interesting!
Before I mention a few things that can determine divorce, I want to write a little bit about one handy tool that successful marriages DO have. Let it just be said that CONFLICT, in and of itself, is not a bad thing in marriage. It is unavoidable. The way you handle the conflict and overcome it, however, can determine a happy marriage. So this one tool is called a "repair attempt". Let me sum up the example that Gottman provides. Take Olivia and Nathaniel--a happily married couple, good friendship, "positive sentiment override" (their positive feelings between each other heavily override any negative ones, so they can easily look over little hiccups), a four-year-old son, and they are in the middle of buying a new house AND car. The new house is decided on already, but the car is the hot topic as of late. Olivia wants a minivan, but Nathaniel does not want to be part of "that group." Instead, he wants a Jeep. In one of the Love Labs, Nathaniel and Olivia are in the middle of a heated discussion about which car to buy. "The more they talk about it, the higher the decibel gets. If you were a fly on the wall of their bedroom, you would have serious doubts about their future together. Then all of a sudden, Olivia puts her hands on her hips and, in perfect imitation of their four-year-old son, sticks out her tongue. Since Nathaniel knows that she's about to do this, he sticks out his tongue first. Then they both start laughing. As always, this silly contest defuses the tension between them."
What both Nathaniel and Olivia both used is the repair attempt. "This name refers to any statement or action--silly or otherwise--that prevents negativity from escalating out of control." For me, personally, I've seen/used statements like "Okay, I'm done, this is getting more tense than it should be. I'm getting stressed. Let's save this for another day." Adonai tends to use "Tranquilaaa" or just weird faces or noises to throw me off and lighten up the conversation. It works wonderfully well! I prefer the funny ones, because the laughter gets me calmed down again instead of turning my fast heart-beated stress into never-ending worry.
OKAY! Last thing I want to write about that I LOVE...Or love to learn about, at least haha. These are called "The Four Horsemen"; they are four kinds of negativity that, if uncontrolled, can destroy any relationship.
1) Criticism. This is different than a complaint, let this be known! We can complain and say, "Honey, it really annoys me that you left your clothes on the floor RIGHT next to the laundry hamper again." You are complaining about the action itself. A criticism is when you begin to attack your spouse's character or personality. Saying that they are lazy and inconsiderate for not putting the clothes in the laundry hamper is a criticism. You are looking to be nasty and mean.
2) Contempt. This is conveying disgust towards your partner. Negative and mocking sarcasm or cynicism. Sneering, hostile humor. This tells your partner that you dislike them and disrespect them on so many levels. "Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner." Resolve your differences! Don't let them set and build.
3) Defensiveness. Although we think this will help us and might cause the attacking spouse to back down and calm down a bit, it hardly has that effect. This, in a sense, "is really a way of blaming your partner." You are saying, "Well I didn't wash the car, because I didn't have the cash on me." (Implying that it was your spouse's fault, because your spouse--who manages the money perhaps--didn't give you the money in the first place."
4) Stonewalling. Sorry, men, but it turns out you all are much more likely to do this. This is basically tuning out. For couples that have a lot of contempt and criticism, a spouse is likely to begin to stonewall, because they want to emotionally disengage themselves from all the hate that is being thrown at them. You are avoiding the fight, basically. Unfortunately, by disengaging and avoiding the fight, you are also disengaging and avoiding your marriage.
You GUYS! There are so many interesting things in this book! I wish I had time to explain "flooding" and "positive/negative sentiment override" and all the other signs that lead to divorce. For now, I hope this has been sufficient. It has truly helped me ponder on my relationships with all people and how I treat others.
No comments:
Post a Comment