300: "How was your day, Honey?"

Oh my heavens, there was so much that I loved this week from my marriage class! And I still can't seem to be able to sum it all up as well as I hope to. Nevertheless, I will try!

Since I didn't get a chance to write about Gottman last week and his seven principles to make marriage work, let me go over them!

Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away

Have you ever looked back on a conversation with your spouse about yard plans, issues with a vehicle, or maybe just a scuff on a wall in the house? And after thinking about this conversation, have you ever thought to yourself, "WOW...My marriage must look really boring for an outsider..." Sometimes I think back on a conversation and wonder how on earth we started the conversation about wedding colors and ended up on needing a new pair of boots. If you find yourself turning toward each other in these seemingly meaningless moments, there's a good chance your marriage is thriving.

You see, these times of "useless chit-chat" is kind of the glue that holds a marriage together. If we can't turn toward our spouse and respond to the little daily things such as "Johnny puked twice today" or "I had a terrible dream last night," how can we ever expect to be able to know how to respond to the big important things like, "Honey, I was let go at work today"?

So, my invitation is to take interest in the little things! For example: Folding laundry together, grocery shopping together, running errands together, talking/reading a book together, playing games together, driving to work together, paying bills together, etc. etc. etc.!! Enjoy the little moments :)

But you want to know what the most important thing is??

"How was your day??"

Yes. A question as simple as that can do wonders. It helps everyone be able to talk about their day and manage any stress outside of the marriage. Utilizing this simple, everyday question allows us to shed some of that stress and not let it "spill over" in our relationships or marriages. HOWEVER, there are a few key points that can help in this conversation. There are eight points that Gottman mentions to help us:

1. Take turns. Each person gets the chance to be "the complainer," while the other listens.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. We ALL know how annoying it is when we're venting about a frustrating situation, and the other person tries to "fix it" for you by offering advice, when all you really wanted was a listening ear.
3. Show genuine interest. Acknowledge that you're listening and show interest by nodding your head, keep eye contact, ask questions...All that good stuff. :)
4. Communicate your understanding. Validate what they said and let them know you understand. Empathize!
5. Take your spouse's side. Always. Be supportive, even if it may seem unreasonable at the time. "Don't side with the opposition--this will make you spouse resentful or dejected....The point isn't to be dishonest. It's just that timing is everything." At this time, your job is to empathize.
6. Express a "we against others" attitude. This kind of goes along with number 5. Be a team, and let your spouse know that you are in this together.
7. Express affection. This one is easy. Just do it, everyone likes a huge and kiss or two.
8. Validate emotions. This also kind of goes back to number 4; let your spouse know that what they are saying makes sense to you, and that you understand.

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

This one doesn't require anything too difficult...Sort of. ;) It is far easier said than done. This basically comes down to: BE WILLING TO NEGOTIATE. Women tend to do better at this, but that's not always true. This does not mean that we have to be "whipped," rather we just need to be willing to "give and take." To sum this up, let me share a short story:

"Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil's company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car's handling and power, not to mention the state-of-the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted  a mechanic to check the car. 'Why?' said Phil. 'It's really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer's warranty.'

'True,' said Jack, 'but I promised my wife I wouldn't buy a car without having it inspected first.'

Phil gave Jack a withering look. 'You let your wife tell you what to do about care?' he asked.

'Sure,' said Jack. 'Don't you?'

'Well, no. I don't--didn't. I'm divorced,' said Phil.

'Well,' Jack chuckled. 'Maybe that's why.'

Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil's car. But more importantly, he never bought Phil's attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feeling. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver's seat."

*Let me just make a note that this goes for both husband AND wife! Perhaps women tend to do better at this, but we always have to be careful and make sure we are letting our spouses influence us, too.*

300: Goddard and Gottman

I suppose I should clarify who exactly Goddard and Gottman are, huh?

H. Wallace Goddard is the author of one of my textbooks for my Marriage 300 class; his book is called "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Principles that Change Relationships."

Dr. John M. Gottman is the other author I mention very frequently from his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work."

There has been SO much this week from both of these books, I truly do NOT know where to start! If I could, I would just make copies of all of the questions and quizzes and activities to give to you all, because they are super interesting and way fun to do! Adonai is a good sport, because he lets me test all of the activities and questions on him. :D I feel like he enjoys it as much as I do, but who knows? He could just be trying to be patient and endure it all haha.

So I just want to kind of summarize a little bit of what I've loved and learned from this last week, and hopefully it can be something beneficial to others as well! The first part from Goddard is more gospel-focused, while Gottman is not religious (I'll try and include Gottman's insights tomorrow in another post, because this one is plenty long!)

GODDARD:

This week we read chapter three of his book, which focused on faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and how it helps our marriages. There are three principles I want to focus on...

First: Replacing evil with goodness. "It is not enough to cast out evil. We need more. We have vibrant, light-filled life when Jesus lifts us up. And Jesus lifts us up when we focus our souls on Him....It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life (page 57)."

Obviously we are all going to have our negative days every now and then, and we may find ourselves thinking negatively about our spouses. This is normal occasionally. However if this becomes a habit, your ideas and perceptions about your spouse will soon change, too. So we need to get rid of that negative thought first, but that's not enough. Again, "it is not enough to cast our evil. We need more." We need to replace that negative thought with a good one. After having said something negative, have you ever been told to say three positive things? That's exactly what I'm talking about! But be genuine about it, or else you're just running your mouth and digging a bigger hole.

Second: Put God first. I don't know if I have ever mentioned this in my blog, but I know I've written about it several times in my personal journal. "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." President Ezra Taft Benson said that many years ago. I can't even begin to explain the impact this quote has had on my life. There was a certain point about a year or so ago when I was just downright confused and unsure of where to go or what next step I should take in my life. I was so worried about it, and I could find no comfort or solace. One Sunday, I heard that quote during a Gospel Doctrine class, and I liked it; it was simple and true. Then I heard it again in Relief Society! I thought to myself, "Huh...That's interesting. Same quote. I really like it." Then when my doubts and confusion came to a peak, I sat myself down with my scriptures and books and decided to study. Out of my scriptures fell that same quote on a little piece of paper that I had cut out years ago while I was living with Trista in California.

I can't express how much of a difference this has made for me, especially in the last year. Whether you're having troubles with finances, jobs, family, or just feeling "out of touch," putting God first is where you will find peace, comfort, and answers. As long as we are putting God first, He will have our willing hearts to lead and guide in the direction he wants to take us.

As a fun "coincidence" (that's a lie, I don't believe in coincidences, especially not when it comes to putting God first and running into Adonai. :P ), here's a little story for you...When I had that crazy Sunday of hearing this quote three times, like I said, I was really confused about what I should be doing or what to do next. Well, I decided to put God first and refocus my scripture studies and prayers, annnnd less than two months later, I "run into" Adonai at church. :) Although this is NOT what I was expecting as a "next step," I definitely wouldn't ever choose any other path. :)

Third: Eternal Perspective. I know I have mentioned this before when I wrote about temple marriages, but when our faith in Jesus Christ is strong, we are better able to overlook the little things and have an eternal perspective. I know hard times and trials are in store for me. For all of us, in fact. We all are going to come upon challenges; that is the purpose of this life. "And we will prove them (try them) herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them." (Abraham 3:25). But as we keep our faith in Christ, He will enable us to remember that there is a purpose for every trial, and we will always grow from our trials. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are not passing through these trials by chance; it is all part of a plan much bigger than we will ever be able to comprehend.

300: Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration

So for this week, I just want to share my experience with one of Gottman's acitivities from Chapter 4: "Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration"! The point of this chapter was to stop focusing on the little negative aspects of your partner and focusing yourself on the good qualities they have. The same qualities that you found in them that made you want to marry them in the first place.

I have to admit that the activity I chose to do with Adonai brought about surprising results haha. This was the first activity to nurture fondness and admiration; it was called "I Appreciate . . ." In Gottman's book, he gives a list of 72 positive adjectives. Both Adonai and I were to choose three that we felt described the other person. Then we were to come up with an incident when they portrayed that adjective.

In case you don't know our story, Adonai and I were able to really get to know each other by basically quizzing one another! We just went back and forth with questions--some were silly ones, others were deep and personal. This allowed us to open up to each other in ways I never imagined. We often still do this, but now we don't seem to have quite as much free time as we used to haha. Regardless, I wasn't sure how "excited" Adonai was going to be about doing this with me, even though he is always so willing to help me with my homework. Well, I'll just say that he knocked my socks off! He's pretty wonderful, I can't deny that whatsoever. :)

We both went through the list, and it was hard to just choose three. But we both managed to narrow it down. Adonai suggested we go one-by-one, trading off to share. Of course, I was nominated to start haha. I won't go into detail about our conversation, but I do want to list the adjectives we chose, becauuuse I really loved it. :) For Adonai, I chose the adjectives: Strong (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc.), Reliable, and Affectionate. The words that Adonai chose for me actually really surprised me, but he was so sincere in everything he said. For me, Adonai chose the adjectives: Brave, , and Vulnerable (sharing personal and deep thoughts/experiences with him). I was absolutely floored, but even more than that, I felt so grateful and appreciative for Adonai and the mutual respect and love we have for one another. Living so far apart for an extended time is difficult and challenging, but it has allowed us to grow in ways that we never could have before.

Considering the fact that I tend to have a negative outlook on most things, I can testify to the fact that negativity is cancerous. It can bring us down in an instant. But more than that, I testify of the power of positivism, the power of positive thinking. Each night I try and write Adonai a short message, letting him know of one thing I love or appreciate about him. Even if I'm feeling negative, as I focus on being sincere, my whole attitude changes. May we see the positives in our partners and have Christlike love and charity towards them. "Thee lift me and I lift thee, and together we will ascend." (Ancient proverb)

300: Marriage Myths & Determining Divorce

So this week in my Marriage class, I swear my vocabulary doubled. Our "textbook" for the class is a book by John M. Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It has been so been eye-opening and helpful for me, especially considering the fact that the reality of marriage is getting closer and closer. :D (NOT complaining! Only patiently waiting!)

So this John Gottman guy is pretty intelligent I would say. Not to mention the fact that he has studied marriage and divorce patterns for well over 15 years. Once upon a time, he was one of those marriage counselors that helps people try and resolve their marriages. Also once upon a time, he used to suggest that good communication can save any marriage. He taught people about beginning their sentences with "I" instead of "you," so that you don't sound as though you are accusing your spouse of something (which I never fully could get a hang of, because I still knew deep down that I WAS accusing them or complaining about them; I just managed to flip the sentence around is all.) Gottman also used to teach couples "active listening" and "validating your partner" by truly listening and then rephrasing what they said to make sure you've understood. He used to teach ALL of that...And then he decided to go back and do his own research on marriages. Why? Because even then, maybe half of his clients were ever able to resolve their conflicts and save their marriages. Almost 50% wasn't considered good success by him.

Now, after many years of studying couples close up in "love labs" (a lab set up like a home with the ability to record and study couples in this lab) and studying their conflict-resolution patterns and physiological responses and interviewing them...I think he has found some pretty good hypotheses and helpful answers. This week we read the first couple of chapters, but we haven't quite gotten into the seven specific principles for making marriage work. Instead, I've read about some factors that can help determine divorce. We need to know these, so that we can detect them in ourselves and learn to overcome them or change them! And just as a precursor: I'm no professional or anything, I'm simply doing my best to sum up a few points that I loved and know will help me. I 100% suggest that you buy the book and read it; it is surprisingly interesting!

Before I mention a few things that can determine divorce, I want to write a little bit about one handy tool that successful marriages DO have. Let it just be said that CONFLICT, in and of itself, is not a bad thing in marriage. It is unavoidable. The way you handle the conflict and overcome it, however, can determine a happy marriage. So this one tool is called a "repair attempt". Let me sum up the example that Gottman provides. Take Olivia and Nathaniel--a happily married couple, good friendship, "positive sentiment override" (their positive feelings between each other heavily override any negative ones, so they can easily look over little hiccups), a four-year-old son, and they are in the middle of buying a new house AND car. The new house is decided on already, but the car is the hot topic as of late. Olivia wants a minivan, but Nathaniel does not want to be part of "that group." Instead, he wants a Jeep. In one of the Love Labs, Nathaniel and Olivia are in the middle of a heated discussion about which car to buy. "The more they talk about it, the higher the decibel gets. If you were a fly on the wall of their bedroom, you would have serious doubts about their future together. Then all of a sudden, Olivia puts her hands on her hips and, in perfect imitation of their four-year-old son, sticks out her tongue. Since Nathaniel knows that she's about to do this, he sticks out his tongue first. Then they both start laughing. As always, this silly contest defuses the tension between them."

What both Nathaniel and Olivia both used is the repair attempt. "This name refers to any statement or action--silly or otherwise--that prevents negativity from escalating out of control." For me, personally, I've seen/used statements like "Okay, I'm done, this is getting more tense than it should be. I'm getting stressed. Let's save this for another day." Adonai tends to use "Tranquilaaa" or just weird faces or noises to throw me off and lighten up the conversation. It works wonderfully well! I prefer the funny ones, because the laughter gets me calmed down again instead of turning my fast heart-beated stress into never-ending worry.

OKAY! Last thing I want to write about that I LOVE...Or love to learn about, at least haha. These are called "The Four Horsemen"; they are four kinds of negativity that, if uncontrolled, can destroy any relationship.

1) Criticism. This is different than a complaint, let this be known! We can complain and say, "Honey, it really annoys me that you left your clothes on the floor RIGHT next to the laundry hamper again." You are complaining about the action itself. A criticism is when you begin to attack your spouse's character or personality. Saying that they are lazy and inconsiderate for not putting the clothes in the laundry hamper is a criticism. You are looking to be nasty and mean.

2) Contempt. This is conveying disgust towards your partner. Negative and mocking sarcasm or cynicism. Sneering, hostile humor. This tells your partner that you dislike them and disrespect them on so many levels. "Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner." Resolve your differences! Don't let them set and build.

3) Defensiveness. Although we think this will help us and might cause the attacking spouse to back down and calm down a bit, it hardly has that effect. This, in a sense, "is really a way of blaming your partner." You are saying, "Well I didn't wash the car, because I didn't have the cash on me." (Implying that it was your spouse's fault, because your spouse--who manages the money perhaps--didn't give you the money in the first place."

4) Stonewalling. Sorry, men, but it turns out you all are much more likely to do this. This is basically tuning out. For couples that have a lot of contempt and criticism, a spouse is likely to begin to stonewall, because they want to emotionally disengage themselves from all the hate that is being thrown at them. You are avoiding the fight, basically. Unfortunately, by disengaging and avoiding the fight, you are also disengaging and avoiding your marriage.

You GUYS! There are so many interesting things in this book! I wish I had time to explain "flooding" and "positive/negative sentiment override" and all the other signs that lead to divorce. For now, I hope this has been sufficient. It has truly helped me ponder on my relationships with all people and how I treat others.

300: Why I Strive for a Temple Marriage

This week in my Marriage class for my Marriage & Family Studies major, we focused a lot on the differences between a contract marriage, also known as a civil marriage, and a covenant marriage, what is also known as a temple marriage to members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I must start out saying that this class is opening my eyes and helping me prepare for marriage in ways I never imagined. Also, it is not only helping me prepare for marriage, but also for parenthood. It is helping me figure out what I hope for in my marriage and family, and how I can fight against anything that might try and destroy my marriage.

Obviously, this topic is near and dear to heart for several reasons. One, the marriage of my parents and how it has affected me. Two, the marriages of my siblings, and how their families (my brother in-laws, nieces, nephews, etc.) have made such a profound impact on my life. Third, the family of Adonai, and their cherished words and pieces of advice given to me about marriage. And last, but certainly not least, the awaited time for when I get to marry Adonai.

I realize that I have lots of friends, family, peers, and coworkers who aren't very familiar with what we refer to as a "temple marriage" or the benefits of it. So with the help of some divine guidance in my words hopefully, this my attempt at explaining it all very simply. :)

There are temples all over the world; there are well over 100 temples! This one in the first two photos is in Seattle! The closest one to me currently is in the Tri-Cities, though.

Seattle LDS Temple

Buenos Aires, Argentina LDS Temple

And the most well-known temple is this one:

Salt Lake City Temple

Many things happen in the temple, but our main purpose there is to learn, make covenants (promises) with God, and help others make those promises. When speaking of a temple marriage, for me, the main difference is that the temple marriage is not just between the man and woman and state. Yes, we have that paper, as well, but as husband and wife, we aren't joined together "until death do us part". We are sealed together for time and all eternity. Getting into heaven is not free, nor is it easy. It requires some effort on our part and some vital ordinances and covenants. And for me, heaven wouldn't be quite so "heavenly" if I didn't have my family with me. I don't want to be there alone. I want to know that after this life, I will get to have my husband and family with me. Forever. So a temple marriage is a covenant (promise) between the husband, wife, and God. As long as my husband and I fulfill these promises faithfully, God will keep his promise to us. We can be exalted and live in His presence with Him, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, AND our families forever.

I know that these covenants are sacred and important. I understand the importance of a civil marriage and the binding contracts it is, but I want the blessings of a temple marriage and the sealing promise that comes with it, too. I believe in forever families. I know these things to be true, and I will continue to strive every day to make them true for me and my future family.