Hahaha okay! This week we
discussed some interesting topics…In-laws and finances. Like two of the big
contributing factors to divorce. We read a few articles, and the first two I
read were by Poduska; he focused on family finances and what he calls “family
rules.”
There were so many
things I loved about Poduska's chapters; they are and will be extremely
applicable in the near future. First, family rules. Both husband and wife come
into a marriage with spoken and unspoken family rules, or I like to think of
them as traditions or personal norms that they're used to. Each have their own
distinct opinions and ways of doing things, and at some point or another,
opinions are going to clash! These clashes of family rules especially come to
light when finances jump in. For example, maybe it's tradition for the wife's
family to buy one, nice, expensive gift on someone's birthday. You know, to
spoil them a bit! Yet in the husband's family, it is important for husband and
wife to talk about purchases, especially the big ones. Therefore, there is
likely to be some miscommunication on the husband's first big birthday when he
gets a fancy, expensive gift that he knows they didn’t previously discuss the
price of. This basically comes down to communication and finding a common
ground. Both need to be sensitive and try to understand each other’s needs and
norms, but they will have to compromise. The husband doesn’t have to make a
comment like, “What is this? Why did you get something without talking to me
about it first?” The wife is likely to be hurt and feel like her husband didn’t
like. It will be uncomfortable for both, because they are initially going
against each other’s family rules.
The other part I loved
was when Poduska categorized everyone into their "age groups"
basically, describing about how much money they make, what their spending
habits are typically like, and what kind of stresses they go through. I found
it interesting, because it mentioned the "single, no children" stage,
which is technically where I would fall. (The next stage up was like ages
24-30, married with small children; that’s not me haha). As I was reading
through how much it mentioned getting excited about making big purchases with
their newly-found income, credit card frenzy, and even depression over debt, I
really did not feel like I related much to this stage. Until I read parts of
the very last paragraph. "Many reevaluate their spending habits, weighing
how much they have earned over the past few years against how much they have to
show for it. Usually this reevaluation takes place when the single person
starts thinking about getting married." This was true. Very true. And then
the last part mentions that despite the reevaluation, most in this stage fail
to adequately prepare, because they get married already buried in a bunch of
debt. This made my heart soar, because if there is nothing else
that Adonai and I have been able to do well with marriage preparations, we at
least can be happy about the fact that he has no debt, and I have very little
debt.
Then there was another
article from Harper about in-laws and the role they play for a newly married
couple. It also talked a lot about how newly married couples can handle their
in-laws well, too! So Mom and Dad, don’t be surprised if I send you this
article just after January 9th. ;) Haha.
In Harper's article
about in-laws, I feel like President Kimball's quote summed it up best for me:
"Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their
fathers. . . .Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon
their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and
fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be
to the [spouse] in most things. . . .Couples do well to immediately find their
own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home
may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile.
Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You
love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their
association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by
your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from
those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same
home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together."
So, first, spouses
should confide and consult with their spouses. Second, it is best
that they separate from their parents and have their own place of living, but
of course that is based upon individual circumstances. And last, the couple
should take any counsel received and discuss it between themselves and decide
together. This will help them establish their own marital identity while still
being loving, accepting, and appreciative of their families who helped bring
them to this point.
There was a lot to
this week that, in all honesty, I need to read over again and study some more.
There is so much more that I would love to share and teach, but there is still
so much more that I, myself, need to learn and internalize first. J
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