300: Those Darn In-Laws...

Hahaha okay! This week we discussed some interesting topics…In-laws and finances. Like two of the big contributing factors to divorce. We read a few articles, and the first two I read were by Poduska; he focused on family finances and what he calls “family rules.”

There were so many things I loved about Poduska's chapters; they are and will be extremely applicable in the near future. First, family rules. Both husband and wife come into a marriage with spoken and unspoken family rules, or I like to think of them as traditions or personal norms that they're used to. Each have their own distinct opinions and ways of doing things, and at some point or another, opinions are going to clash! These clashes of family rules especially come to light when finances jump in. For example, maybe it's tradition for the wife's family to buy one, nice, expensive gift on someone's birthday. You know, to spoil them a bit! Yet in the husband's family, it is important for husband and wife to talk about purchases, especially the big ones. Therefore, there is likely to be some miscommunication on the husband's first big birthday when he gets a fancy, expensive gift that he knows they didn’t previously discuss the price of. This basically comes down to communication and finding a common ground. Both need to be sensitive and try to understand each other’s needs and norms, but they will have to compromise. The husband doesn’t have to make a comment like, “What is this? Why did you get something without talking to me about it first?” The wife is likely to be hurt and feel like her husband didn’t like. It will be uncomfortable for both, because they are initially going against each other’s family rules.

The other part I loved was when Poduska categorized everyone into their "age groups" basically, describing about how much money they make, what their spending habits are typically like, and what kind of stresses they go through. I found it interesting, because it mentioned the "single, no children" stage, which is technically where I would fall. (The next stage up was like ages 24-30, married with small children; that’s not me haha). As I was reading through how much it mentioned getting excited about making big purchases with their newly-found income, credit card frenzy, and even depression over debt, I really did not feel like I related much to this stage. Until I read parts of the very last paragraph. "Many reevaluate their spending habits, weighing how much they have earned over the past few years against how much they have to show for it. Usually this reevaluation takes place when the single person starts thinking about getting married." This was true. Very true. And then the last part mentions that despite the reevaluation, most in this stage fail to adequately prepare, because they get married already buried in a bunch of debt. This made my heart soar, because if there is nothing else that Adonai and I have been able to do well with marriage preparations, we at least can be happy about the fact that he has no debt, and I have very little debt.

Then there was another article from Harper about in-laws and the role they play for a newly married couple. It also talked a lot about how newly married couples can handle their in-laws well, too! So Mom and Dad, don’t be surprised if I send you this article just after January 9^th. ;) Haha.

In Harper's article about in-laws, I feel like President Kimball's quote summed it up best for me: "Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers. . . .Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the [spouse] in most things. . . .Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together."

So, first, spouses should confide and consult with their spouses. Second, it is best that they separate from their parents and have their own place of living, but of course that is based upon individual circumstances. And last, the couple should take any counsel received and discuss it between themselves and decide together. This will help them establish their own marital identity while still being loving, accepting, and appreciative of their families who helped bring them to this point.

There was a lot to this week that, in all honesty, I need to read over again and study some more. There is so much more that I would love to share and teach, but there is still so much more that I, myself, need to learn and internalize first. J

300: That We May Be One

"That We May Be One" by Elder Henry B. Eyring

Okay, so we've finished all of our really great books for the semester, but we did have the chance to read a few talks! I would like to focus more on Eyring's talk "That We May Be One" and what really hit me while reading through it and listening to it. There were so many things that I loved, and it made me ponder on the question: How do we become one in marriage?

 

It is a little unfortunate to think about the number of broken marriages there are in our world. But the main thing that caught my attention was when President Eyring said, "If we are to have unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel." Feel. That is what caught my attention. Unity is a feeling, thus the strength of unity within our marriages depends fully upon how we feel about our spouse. I don't want to say this is something I struggle with, because I think the world of Adonai; however I will be the first to admit that I do struggle to stay positive and strong while waiting on the whole visa process. What has helped me, however, is that each night I try to write something I'm grateful for about Adonai. It keeps me positive and hopeful, and it helps create that feeling of gratitude, unity, and "we're on the same team"-ness :)

Anyway,,,Eyring said that "we must forgive and bear no malice..." Again, the first thing that can create a negative feeling is contempt, holding things against your spouse. So, first and foremost, we must forgive our spouses of any wrongdoings and bear no malice toward them. We fully realize that they are not perfect, and neither are we! For goodness sake, that's part of the reason why we get married--to grow together and learn to perfect each other. We cannot reach the highest level of perfected exaltation without our companion at our side. So yes, our spouses make a lot of mistakes, but so do we. Forgiveness and charity will allow us to view our spouses as Heavenly Father sees them, treat them as such, and have that unity.

 

Now, when there is something amiss, I loved Eyring's wise advice: "An inspired, loving rebuke can be an invitation to unity." It will likely be very humbling, but that's okay. Humility (a broken heart and a contrite spirit) is what brings about changes in our nature. Throughout our marriages, we will notice things that, as a couple or individually, we can all work on. If it is something you really want to work at, talk about it with your spouse! But make sure it is "inspired [and] loving." It will become a goal for the both of you, and it will draw you nearer to each other.