300: Those Darn In-Laws...

Hahaha okay! This week we discussed some interesting topics…In-laws and finances. Like two of the big contributing factors to divorce. We read a few articles, and the first two I read were by Poduska; he focused on family finances and what he calls “family rules.”

There were so many things I loved about Poduska's chapters; they are and will be extremely applicable in the near future. First, family rules. Both husband and wife come into a marriage with spoken and unspoken family rules, or I like to think of them as traditions or personal norms that they're used to. Each have their own distinct opinions and ways of doing things, and at some point or another, opinions are going to clash! These clashes of family rules especially come to light when finances jump in. For example, maybe it's tradition for the wife's family to buy one, nice, expensive gift on someone's birthday. You know, to spoil them a bit! Yet in the husband's family, it is important for husband and wife to talk about purchases, especially the big ones. Therefore, there is likely to be some miscommunication on the husband's first big birthday when he gets a fancy, expensive gift that he knows they didn’t previously discuss the price of. This basically comes down to communication and finding a common ground. Both need to be sensitive and try to understand each other’s needs and norms, but they will have to compromise. The husband doesn’t have to make a comment like, “What is this? Why did you get something without talking to me about it first?” The wife is likely to be hurt and feel like her husband didn’t like. It will be uncomfortable for both, because they are initially going against each other’s family rules.

The other part I loved was when Poduska categorized everyone into their "age groups" basically, describing about how much money they make, what their spending habits are typically like, and what kind of stresses they go through. I found it interesting, because it mentioned the "single, no children" stage, which is technically where I would fall. (The next stage up was like ages 24-30, married with small children; that’s not me haha). As I was reading through how much it mentioned getting excited about making big purchases with their newly-found income, credit card frenzy, and even depression over debt, I really did not feel like I related much to this stage. Until I read parts of the very last paragraph. "Many reevaluate their spending habits, weighing how much they have earned over the past few years against how much they have to show for it. Usually this reevaluation takes place when the single person starts thinking about getting married." This was true. Very true. And then the last part mentions that despite the reevaluation, most in this stage fail to adequately prepare, because they get married already buried in a bunch of debt. This made my heart soar, because if there is nothing else that Adonai and I have been able to do well with marriage preparations, we at least can be happy about the fact that he has no debt, and I have very little debt.

Then there was another article from Harper about in-laws and the role they play for a newly married couple. It also talked a lot about how newly married couples can handle their in-laws well, too! So Mom and Dad, don’t be surprised if I send you this article just after January 9^th. ;) Haha.

In Harper's article about in-laws, I feel like President Kimball's quote summed it up best for me: "Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers. . . .Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the [spouse] in most things. . . .Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together."

So, first, spouses should confide and consult with their spouses. Second, it is best that they separate from their parents and have their own place of living, but of course that is based upon individual circumstances. And last, the couple should take any counsel received and discuss it between themselves and decide together. This will help them establish their own marital identity while still being loving, accepting, and appreciative of their families who helped bring them to this point.

There was a lot to this week that, in all honesty, I need to read over again and study some more. There is so much more that I would love to share and teach, but there is still so much more that I, myself, need to learn and internalize first. J

300: That We May Be One

"That We May Be One" by Elder Henry B. Eyring

Okay, so we've finished all of our really great books for the semester, but we did have the chance to read a few talks! I would like to focus more on Eyring's talk "That We May Be One" and what really hit me while reading through it and listening to it. There were so many things that I loved, and it made me ponder on the question: How do we become one in marriage?

 

It is a little unfortunate to think about the number of broken marriages there are in our world. But the main thing that caught my attention was when President Eyring said, "If we are to have unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel." Feel. That is what caught my attention. Unity is a feeling, thus the strength of unity within our marriages depends fully upon how we feel about our spouse. I don't want to say this is something I struggle with, because I think the world of Adonai; however I will be the first to admit that I do struggle to stay positive and strong while waiting on the whole visa process. What has helped me, however, is that each night I try to write something I'm grateful for about Adonai. It keeps me positive and hopeful, and it helps create that feeling of gratitude, unity, and "we're on the same team"-ness :)

Anyway,,,Eyring said that "we must forgive and bear no malice..." Again, the first thing that can create a negative feeling is contempt, holding things against your spouse. So, first and foremost, we must forgive our spouses of any wrongdoings and bear no malice toward them. We fully realize that they are not perfect, and neither are we! For goodness sake, that's part of the reason why we get married--to grow together and learn to perfect each other. We cannot reach the highest level of perfected exaltation without our companion at our side. So yes, our spouses make a lot of mistakes, but so do we. Forgiveness and charity will allow us to view our spouses as Heavenly Father sees them, treat them as such, and have that unity.

 

Now, when there is something amiss, I loved Eyring's wise advice: "An inspired, loving rebuke can be an invitation to unity." It will likely be very humbling, but that's okay. Humility (a broken heart and a contrite spirit) is what brings about changes in our nature. Throughout our marriages, we will notice things that, as a couple or individually, we can all work on. If it is something you really want to work at, talk about it with your spouse! But make sure it is "inspired [and] loving." It will become a goal for the both of you, and it will draw you nearer to each other.

300: This Topic is Almost Awkwardly Perfect...

Awkwardly perfect. Why, you might ask? Because this week in my Marriage 300 class, we focused primarily on fidelity and physical intimacy. Kind of oddly perfect, considering the fact that I have T-minus 40ish days before I say two very important words: I DO. (January 9th, everyone. Be there or be square, just saying haha). Not only did I learn mounds of interesting concepts and information, but my eyes were opened a little more about both of these topics.

I think we all have a fairly good idea how fidelity is all about, but there was one concept that really peaked my interest. In a couple of talks it was referred to as "spiritual fidelity," but I the title of "emotional fidelity" seemed to fit better for me.

We've all heard the scripture verse in Matthew Chapter 5, verse 28:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Being emotionally faithful to our spouses is just as important as being physically faithful. Unfortunately, emotional infidelity can start out with something innocent and seemingly harmful--helping befriend someone, helping in missionary work, working together on a project, etc. All of these things are wonderful and Christlike, but if done alone with someone of the opposite sex could lead to other little things that turn into big things. The infidelity slowly continues to going out to lunch with that person, continual conversations, inside jokes. And then you slowly start noticing how "this guy is just so great with kids; I wish my husband were more like that..."

Worrying about those little things truly stress me out, but it is important to know them so that you can recognize the signs in yourself if it ever happens. Just be careful and follow the Spirit, is all.

The other talk that I absolutely loved just made me want to do a fist pump in the air and shout for joy. It was called "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" by Brother Sean E. Brotherson. He shared his story about getting ready for marriage and all of his questions he had about his first honeymoon night! He had lots of questions and was unsure of how to find the answers! He said: 

"Yet I did know that there were answers available, and so I began a rather intensive and self-administered educational seminar in understanding sexual intimacy in marriage. Luckily, I accepted as true the scriptural admonition that we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Even about sexual intimacy? Let me answer that question affirmatively. Of course. God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life. So, I started reading books and asking questions.

Can I just quickly go on a tangent and say two things? Since we're just finishing up Thanksgiving weekend, here are two things I'm grateful for: My marriage classes, which have forced me to dive in deep about subjects such as sexual intimacy that I never would have studied before. AND my siblings and family and all they've taught me! Hahaha. I must admit that even though most sex conversations in our family are typically humorous ones, you all have still been extremely open haha. Which, yes, I am actually grateful, because I feel far more prepared for all of the sudden changes that come with saying "I do."

ANYWAY! Brotherson talked about four different pitfalls of sexual fulfillment in marriage.

Ignorance
Inhibition
Ill Will
Infidelity

I think we all pretty well know what infidelity is about. Obviously infidelity is going to bring about a lack of sexual (and emotional, spiritual, etc.) fulfillment in marriage!

IGNORANCE: Simply put, we have permission to seek out answers about sexual fulfillment in marriage. It seems like the only knowledge we are given before marriage is what we are taught from the world and our peers, OR the powerful warnings of the prophets about not having sex until marriage. So what do we naturally think when we're walking down the isle? "...Well...Now what?!" We shouldn't be ignorant. We need to recognize and help our children recognize that it is okay to talk about sex in a respectful manner, and we should understand the gift and blessing it is to us from our Heavenly Father. I feel like having the extra knowledge would make that first honeymoon night a bit less frightening and confusing...(But, I mean, what do I know? I'm still not married yet haha.)

Ignorance also means not being ignorant about sexual intimacy in marriage, as well. We need to communicate honestly, directly, and openly to understand each other and figure out how to fulfill each other's needs.

INHIBITION: Let me just define inhibition real quick, because I thought I knew what it meant...Until I had to relate it to sexual intimacy haha. "A feeling that makes one self-conscious and unable to act in a relaxed and natural way." Once I read that, it made a lot more sense. Some people struggle with feeling either inadequate or unwholesome, especially on that first honeymoon night. I often think that the Law of Chastity is taught in a context far too negative. I feel like many focus on the strictness about NOT having sex before marriage, so it scares people and makes them think that sex is a bad thing. We should be teaching the youth that we SHOULD have sex--but not until after marriage. I love how President Harold B. Lee explains the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage: It is a "holy impulse for a holy purpose." It not only creates a family, but it brings spouses together as "one flesh." It needs to be viewed as a special gift, so special that you should only want to share it with one person, under the right circumstance, and at the right time.

Inhibition also kind of goes back to ignorance and learning to communicate "in a relaxed and natural way" (honestly, directly, and openly) to be able to understand each other. Communication is vital, especially if one or the other feels inadequate, uncomfortable, or unwholesome. There's no way that singing on stage in front of lots of people is fun or fulfilling if you're feeling inadequate or uncomfortable; same goes for in the bedroom, my friends.

ILL WILL: "'Ill will' is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship. An angry word will pour cold water on a spouse's romantic 'on' switch more quickly than you can imagine, while a meaningful apology can pave the way to a gentle invitation toward intimacy."

I couldn't have put it any better. If you're unhappy in everyday life with your spouse, you're probably unhappy in your sex life, as well. If your spouse is nasty and mean that day, you probably aren't feeling very "turned on" right? And vice versa! Challenges in fulfilling needs in sexual intimacy can cause unhappiness in everyday life, too. This is where charity comes in again. The purpose of sex is not to fulfill our own sexual needs; it is to show our spouses true love, serve them, and fulfill their needs. In turn, they will be grateful and want to serve you in the same way. It requires us to put someone else completely before our own selves to better our relationship.

ALRIGHTY, EVERYONE! That's it for this week. I know, you're probably all gawking with your mouths hanging open or your eyebrows up high in surprise about the fact that the baby of the family just went on this huge rant about sex. BUT, whatever, it is what it is; I learned a ton and actually enjoyed learning about it haha. Super interesting! And very helpful for many years to come, I'm sure. ;)

300: "Love is not a happy accident; it is a choice."

I can't count how many times I have said to someone, with complete assurance that it is 100% true, that happiness is a choice. Happiness is my choice; it is my passion. I love being happy, even though I sometimes struggle with unhappiness. I'm not perfect--especially when I'm stressed out, working full-time, studying full-time, trying to get visa paperwork done, and attempting to plan a decent wedding. Let's just say that sometimes stress overtakes the blissful happiness. BUT...That "blissfulness" will alllll return after January 9th, right?!

Right!...For a while haha. Obviously I'm not married (yet), so I don't fully understand that whole newly-wed bliss concept and how it slowly (or quickly?) dims. However, yes, I have heard of it, and it does make sense. Now this is where one of my favorite overly-discussed church topics comes in...

Charity

Yup. That's right. Christlike love. I truly think I love this topic so much because charity and many hours I spent on my knees on cold, cement floors literally saved my sanity and life. This is why I have such an appreciation for prayer and charity...Missions. Dang. They are hard. Amazing and full of the best miracles and moments of my life, but they push you to your limits. If you are willing to submit yourself humbly to the will of the Lord and CHANGE for the better, you will come home a different person. You will learn amazing blessings, and charity (and striving to have charity) was one of the best-learned lessons on my mission.

There is always "that companion" who was given to you to teach you patience and love. I had almost no problems with the majority of my companions, but I cannot express to you the mental and emotional and physical pain I went through trying to understand this companion of mine and learn to love her. I cannot count how many hours I spent on those cement floors, in tears, begging to know what to do, how to love her, and how to not hurt. I spent 5.5 out of those 6 weeks suffering and feeling mentally uneasy. It would be useless to try and tell you how many hours I spent begging for charity to truly love her, learn from her, and be able to end that transfer on a positive note...

I love that companion; I can honestly and truthfully say that I love her, and I will give her the biggest hug the day I get to see her again. I may not agree with her on some things, but I learned so much from her, and the greatest thing she ever taught me was charity. I learned from her that I can learn to love anyone. Everyone. It may not be easy, but I know I can.

So how on earth does this relate to marriage?

Again, I am still unmarried, but I know that every single couple will come to a point and ask themselves, "Did I really make the right choice? Was I supposed to marry him/her?" And in some unfortunate circumstance, maybe things just were not supposed to work out. But I know that as long as both spouses try to see the big picture and strive to have charity, even the long-lost love can be found. Even those feelings which have been buried and hidden under so much garbage, anger, fights, and frustrations--even those can be restored. It may require some time to just sit quietly and silently beg for help to love your spouse, but it will come. It might be 5.5 weeks later than you would have liked it to be, but it will come.

"Love is not a happy accident; it is a choice."

-H. Wallace Goddard

300: "Putteth off the natural man"

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19

So this week, we studied one of my least favorite attributes a person can have. Yet, amazingly, this is an attribute that we ALL have. There is a talk titled "Agency and Anger" by Elder Lynn G. Robbins, and although anger is the attribute that I don't handle well in other people, this talk gave me a lot to think about. It not only made me think of how anger from someone else affects us, but more so it helped me realize that anger is linked perfectly with agency. Anger is a choice. For some, it is far more difficult to NOT choose anger, whereas other people find it easier to not get riled up and hot-headed.

I chose the verse in Mosiah, because anger is part of the "natural man" deep inside us. We are carnal creatures, but as we progress and yield to enticings of the Spirit, we are able to put the carnal, sensual, imperfect traits of ours behind us. Sure, they can come creeping up on us pretty quick, but in the end, we always have a choice. And sometimes, the choice may simply be a matter of respect. Why might I say that? Let me give an example...

Your boss at work does something to you that absolutely drives you nuts and frustrates you. Regardless, you probably aren't going to go storm into his office, toss around a few accusations and mean words. Now if you were at home and your husband/wife did the exact same thing as your boss had done to you, you would be more likely to let those angry colors show in one way or another. In either situation, though, there is always a higher road. You shouldn't just ignore it, nor should you go on a rant rage. We should respond with grace by discussing the problem calmly with both your boss and your spouse.

Now when it came to textbook readings, this week we focused mainly on problems/issues within a marriage. Every marriage is different, and each person is an individual who brings to the table funny quirks or strange habits. Sometimes this can cause friction between the couple! What we need to realize is that there are two types of problems: resolvable and perpetual. Problems that can be solved require GOOD communication. Using soft start-ups, repair attempts, compromise, and tolerance of another's imperfections.

The second type of problem is a little more complicated, but at the same time, it really isn't. It simply requires patience. These are problems that simply can't be solved. At times is can be difficult to tell the difference, but to make it somewhat simple without ranting on and on forever, solvable problems are often situational. It occurs only at specific times, such as one spouse speeding, and the other not liking it. Supposedly the spouse has to speed, because the other one takes so long getting ready in the morning. Yet the other one takes so long getting ready in the morning, because the spouse doesn't put their dishes away after breakfast...Yada yada yada. So this may require time for GOOD communication, tolerance, and COMPROMISE.

Perpetual problems are usually ones that are just part of who we are. This may refer to those quirks and strange habits each person has. With perpetual problems, it will always help to see these quirks in lighter sense with some humor. Don't let it become a cause of friction if it doesn't have to be. Sometimes you're just going to have to live with the fact that your spouse is one who needs that closeness and physical affection, whereas you are one who is not that way. Be patient. Make compromises. Love them despite the little, annoying things. Find humor and love in the quirk. :)